The Problem With Friends

I was sitting with friends yesterday and mentioned someone who is local to me that lost her baby. My friends started talking about how people shouldn't milk it out, try to make other people feel bad, and post photos of their "dead babies". All while knowing that I'm a loss mom. It just goes to show that we still have so much work to do to enlighten people. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through a loss to understand our pain, but I definitely want to see bigger improvements in acceptance. In the several years that I've been working in the bereavement field I have seen great improvements in awareness, acceptation, and inclusion, but we still have a long way to go. 

Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one

Nichole Nordeman - Legacy

Kidneys

It's 9am and I'm exhausted. I had nightmares all night and kept waking up. My kidneys have been giving me problems for several months now and sometimes I wonder if maybe this is it. Maybe I just won't get any better this time. Maybe I'll stay like this, then get worse, and then go home to be with those I've lost. About a month ago Gary had to make a new hole in my belt because I'd dropped so much weight that it wouldn't fit on the smallest hole. Then about 2-3 weeks ago he had to make another smaller hole. Then again about 1-2 weeks ago he had to make me yet another smaller hole. Now my belt is about 4 inches too big and there isn't enough room on it to make a smaller hole (it's studded so the studs are in the way). I'm at that point where I've lost so much weight so quickly that the red flag is waving. I try to eat but I take just a few bites and I cannot eat anymore. I feel so sick. If I try to push myself to eat more I feel extremely sick. When my kidneys act up it makes me nauseated. They gave me nausea meds but it's hard to even get that down. People ask me what is wrong with my kidneys and I don't know what to say. I've never been able to go to a urologist. I've been referred so many times but then something always happens and something else gets put before my need to go. My old OBGYN told me that my urethra is too short and that bacteria doesn't have as far to travel to get into places it shouldn't. He had me on a daily antibiotic as a preventative and it worked pretty good. Then he retired and I moved away. I haven't been able to get another OBGYN to put me back on it. They just say that I need to go to a urologist instead. I had another doctor tell me (a random at the ER) that it's likely that there is a deformity in one or both kidneys and that is the cause of my chronic issues. He said my history points towards that. I've had these issues longer than I can remember. I'm in pain all the time lately. I try not to complain and try to just deal with it, but I'm in so much pain. I'm so afraid to die. I think about it nonstop and it's the reason I cannot sleep at night. Then I think how stupid for a grown women to be so afraid of something unavoidable. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody who cares about what I am going through. I never get to go to the doctor. Everyone else goes except for me as if my health doesn't matter. I'm always the one giving the support. Nobody takes the time to think that maybe I could use a little support too. I ask for prayers and get slapped around... so I stopped asking. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time. I feel like I'm surrounded by thousands of people but they do not see I'm there until they need something. Time to get back to working on orders. I'm hoping to ship tomorrow if not Friday.

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart one more time

Pick yourself up, why even cry

Broken pieces in your hands

Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart

Would sting at first then make you stronger"

You wonder why this pain remains

Were hearts made whole just to break

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Creator only You take brokenness

And create it into beauty once again

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

-BarlowGirl

Remembering

 I promised myself I'd get back to blogging but I've been working a lot.
First I'd like to say this...



Blogging is important to me, even though I'm pretty sure nobody actually reads my blog, because something is wrong with my memory. I don't really know what it is. I know that I've always had trouble with short term memory loss and when I asked my old doctor about it he attributed it to the years of abuse I went through as a child. He said he was possible I may actually have damage to my brain that was causing the short term memory loss. Lately I feel like it's long term too. I sit and try to remember details about things that are special or important to me... but I can't. Things about loved one who are gone and even things about my own children. It doesn't help that when my computer crashed I lost every single photo I've ever taken of my children. I've always known to back them up and I never did. I talked to someone who isn't my doctor but someone who is in the medical field who told me the new longer term memory loss may be a result of my abusive relationship I got out of about two years ago. I've never really talked much about the abuse I went through. I remember that one time he rushed me while I was sitting in a wooden kitchen chair, working on orders for my baby boutique, and he choked me. He bent my next back over the chair back and chocked me until I couldn't see. It seems the things I can clearly remember are traumatic things like that. It's possible the abuse caused further brain damage (assuming there really is some from the abuse I received as a child) or that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder induced by the abuse and my losses combined. Whatever it is, my memories are sleeping away and it's scary. Gary has to help me a lot because I will sit something down and not be able to find it. I know a lot of people who joke about doing that, but it's not the same. I can set down my phone on the table, immediately turn around, and immediately forget. Then panic. Anyways, blogging is really important for me because one day I might not be able to remember anything. Some things I do not really want to remember so I try to leave them out of my blogs. I definitely want to remember all the good and important things. Things about my family, my children, my angels.

Taking things one day at a time.