Kidneys

It's 9am and I'm exhausted. I had nightmares all night and kept waking up. My kidneys have been giving me problems for several months now and sometimes I wonder if maybe this is it. Maybe I just won't get any better this time. Maybe I'll stay like this, then get worse, and then go home to be with those I've lost. About a month ago Gary had to make a new hole in my belt because I'd dropped so much weight that it wouldn't fit on the smallest hole. Then about 2-3 weeks ago he had to make another smaller hole. Then again about 1-2 weeks ago he had to make me yet another smaller hole. Now my belt is about 4 inches too big and there isn't enough room on it to make a smaller hole (it's studded so the studs are in the way). I'm at that point where I've lost so much weight so quickly that the red flag is waving. I try to eat but I take just a few bites and I cannot eat anymore. I feel so sick. If I try to push myself to eat more I feel extremely sick. When my kidneys act up it makes me nauseated. They gave me nausea meds but it's hard to even get that down. People ask me what is wrong with my kidneys and I don't know what to say. I've never been able to go to a urologist. I've been referred so many times but then something always happens and something else gets put before my need to go. My old OBGYN told me that my urethra is too short and that bacteria doesn't have as far to travel to get into places it shouldn't. He had me on a daily antibiotic as a preventative and it worked pretty good. Then he retired and I moved away. I haven't been able to get another OBGYN to put me back on it. They just say that I need to go to a urologist instead. I had another doctor tell me (a random at the ER) that it's likely that there is a deformity in one or both kidneys and that is the cause of my chronic issues. He said my history points towards that. I've had these issues longer than I can remember. I'm in pain all the time lately. I try not to complain and try to just deal with it, but I'm in so much pain. I'm so afraid to die. I think about it nonstop and it's the reason I cannot sleep at night. Then I think how stupid for a grown women to be so afraid of something unavoidable. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody who cares about what I am going through. I never get to go to the doctor. Everyone else goes except for me as if my health doesn't matter. I'm always the one giving the support. Nobody takes the time to think that maybe I could use a little support too. I ask for prayers and get slapped around... so I stopped asking. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time. I feel like I'm surrounded by thousands of people but they do not see I'm there until they need something. Time to get back to working on orders. I'm hoping to ship tomorrow if not Friday.

Missing You

It's hard to believe it is almost July. My life is typically this big blur because I always have so much on my plate and I'm always so busy that I hardly take time to remember to breathe.

September is creeping closer. That means Scarlette's birthday is creeping closer too and that life is holding true to it's promise of never letting me forget what I had and what I lost... so quickly. September 16th, she would be 2 years old. It's so hard to picture. She'd be walking, talking, and potty training. She'd be able to say my name. Smiling, laughing, and being mischievous. I never got to see her smile or hear the sound of her voice other than when she cried. She never even learned to let out a baby coo or babble before she was stolen away so suddenly.  September 18th brings my birthday and the anniversary of the day she came home from the hospital. My birthdays will never be the same. Ever. I'll never forget sitting in my father in law's office chair hardly able to sit still waiting for them to bring her into me. I was the first to hold her when she came home. I didn't think I'd ever let go... if I knew I'd be saying goodbye forever I'm not sure I would have. I loved her so much and still do.

October 15th also creeps closer. I'll never forget that day either. I'll never forget hearing my mother in law screaming hysterically begging to Jesus to let her live. I'll never forget being stuck at home with all of the children waiting instead of being there at the hospital where I belonged. I'll never forget the phone ring, or how Gary and my brother in law rushed outside so I couldn't hear. I'll never forget the way they walked backed in slowly and silently. I looked at Gary and knew the truth but looked to J who simply uttered, "She's gone." I won't remember anything after that though because from that point on it's a blur. I know I heard pain filled screaming and that it took me a minute to realize it was coming from me. I know that J tried to console me and that I fought him off screaming. I know that the men ran around quickly hiding all of her things which only added to the trauma. I remember my in-laws coming home and the pain on my mother in law's face as we both sobbed. I remember feeling cheated and jaded. I don't remember eating, sleeping, or taking care of my children. I'm honestly not sure I even did. I remember her funeral. I remember watching my oldest step-daughter breaking down, then my oldest son, and then my step-son. I remember calling my step-son Michael over to me because I could see the panic sinking in and the fear of the reality we were being faced with. I remember that when it ended I didn't want to go. I felt like I was wronging her. How could I leave a baby in the cold? My beautiful blue eyed girl? It was raining. It was cold. You cannot leave a baby in the rain or in the cold. I also remember, all too well, that the two men from the funeral home were standing next to her tiny white casket throwing their heads back laughing and joking. How could they stand there and do that? They obviously didn't care about the loss of this baby, the loss of this child who I loved so much.  I still cannot find the words to describe how ironic it to me that she died on October 15th. I plan for October 15th all year long because I host a big awareness event each year for bereaved families. God chose October 15th of all days to take Scarlette? Why? Is that some kind of a joke? I don't understand and I never will.

I love you Scarlette Marie Lynch and I miss you so much!

Panic Attack Insomniac

I can't sleep

For in the dark I panic

Fear consuming my soul

And I can't stand it

I sit up and scream

A silent sound nobody hears

Trembling in vain

To the same dream I've had for years

Too much loss

In too short of a life

It stabs at me

Like a dull edged knife

I have thoughts and dreams

About things nobody knows

Like where do we really go

When it's the end of our show

My heart races

At a pace much too fast

I sit here wondering

How much longer can this last

Memories fill my head

So many things I'd like to change

If I could just go back in time

Choosing with things to rearrange

Being grateful for what I have

Never replaces what I've lost

Your death was inescapable

I'm still dealing with its cost

Grief knows no boundaries

In the silence I will weep

As the darkness surrounds me

And everyone else is fast asleep

Copyright Kerin Lee 2012, All Rights Reserved

Please do not use without my written permission.


(Vigil from October 15th)