Friday, June 28, 2013

Missing You

It's hard to believe it is almost July. My life is typically this big blur because I always have so much on my plate and I'm always so busy that I hardly take time to remember to breathe.

September is creeping closer. That means Scarlette's birthday is creeping closer too and that life is holding true to it's promise of never letting me forget what I had and what I lost... so quickly. September 16th, she would be 2 years old. It's so hard to picture. She'd be walking, talking, and potty training. She'd be able to say my name. Smiling, laughing, and being mischievous. I never got to see her smile or hear the sound of her voice other than when she cried. She never even learned to let out a baby coo or babble before she was stolen away so suddenly.  September 18th brings my birthday and the anniversary of the day she came home from the hospital. My birthdays will never be the same. Ever. I'll never forget sitting in my father in law's office chair hardly able to sit still waiting for them to bring her into me. I was the first to hold her when she came home. I didn't think I'd ever let go... if I knew I'd be saying goodbye forever I'm not sure I would have. I loved her so much and still do.

October 15th also creeps closer. I'll never forget that day either. I'll never forget hearing my mother in law screaming hysterically begging to Jesus to let her live. I'll never forget being stuck at home with all of the children waiting instead of being there at the hospital where I belonged. I'll never forget the phone ring, or how Gary and my brother in law rushed outside so I couldn't hear. I'll never forget the way they walked backed in slowly and silently. I looked at Gary and knew the truth but looked to J who simply uttered, "She's gone." I won't remember anything after that though because from that point on it's a blur. I know I heard pain filled screaming and that it took me a minute to realize it was coming from me. I know that J tried to console me and that I fought him off screaming. I know that the men ran around quickly hiding all of her things which only added to the trauma. I remember my in-laws coming home and the pain on my mother in law's face as we both sobbed. I remember feeling cheated and jaded. I don't remember eating, sleeping, or taking care of my children. I'm honestly not sure I even did. I remember her funeral. I remember watching my oldest step-daughter breaking down, then my oldest son, and then my step-son. I remember calling my step-son Michael over to me because I could see the panic sinking in and the fear of the reality we were being faced with. I remember that when it ended I didn't want to go. I felt like I was wronging her. How could I leave a baby in the cold? My beautiful blue eyed girl? It was raining. It was cold. You cannot leave a baby in the rain or in the cold. I also remember, all too well, that the two men from the funeral home were standing next to her tiny white casket throwing their heads back laughing and joking. How could they stand there and do that? They obviously didn't care about the loss of this baby, the loss of this child who I loved so much.  I still cannot find the words to describe how ironic it to me that she died on October 15th. I plan for October 15th all year long because I host a big awareness event each year for bereaved families. God chose October 15th of all days to take Scarlette? Why? Is that some kind of a joke? I don't understand and I never will.

I love you Scarlette Marie Lynch and I miss you so much!

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