Day 9-16 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

We're had SO much CRAP going on...
that I haven't kept up well with my 30 Days of Being Thankful
BUT I keep telling myself I still need to take time to be thankful.

Day 9 - I'm thankful that our power was turned on.
This is a big part of getting moved into our new house
and something we have been struggling to make happen.
We had to pass a house inspection first which,
contrary to popular belief, is a lot harder than it sounds.
It's never felt so amazing to flip on a light-switch.

Day 10 - Our house was broken into, AGAIN!
I am thankful that we still have our lives
even though they've taken almost everything I have.
They tried kicking in our door and failed...
They tried picking our locks and broke their pick in the door...
So they kicked in our skylight and came in through the bathroom.

Day 11 - I am thankful for this wall post I got on Facebook,
"THANK YOU & Gary from the bottom of my heart....
I checked my p.o. box and had a surprise waiting for me...
I LOVE IT and it will always be a part of me....
I don't know how you two do it....
But I Love You Both Kerin ♥ ♥"
From my friend Kim Harris who I had sent a surprise gift to.
It really made my day that she to receive such a sweet message
showing how thankful she was for something so small.

Day 12 - I am thankful for good praying friends.
I post asking prayers for Gary's job interview on Facebook.
He didn't get the job, but we had an outpouring amount of prayer.
It was amazing to me to have so many people showing support.

Day 13 - I am thankful for good music.
When I'm upset, stressed, depressed, or whatever...
music takes me to another place and helps me through.

Day 14 - I am thankful for kind strangers.
On the 6th a business owner contacted me
and told me that someone "secret"
had contacted her in regards to paying for me to have
a bracelet from her as a Christmas present.
The 14th, she contacted me again to say it had shipped.

Day 15 - I am thankful for good doctors.
When I got home from my 38 week doctor appointment...
I came home to find Mikayla, my 8 yr old stepdaughter,
in bed sobbing unable to move much without assistance.
We rushed her to be seen where she was had a small surgery.
What we thought had been a mosquito bite had turned into
a big huge nasty infected abscess that had to be drained.
After lots of painful shoes to number her up...
they made about a 2 inch long incision in her sweet little hip...
then applied pressure to squeeze out all of the bad stuff.
She sobbed and had to be held down during the entire thing...
BUT luckily she is says it feels much better now.

Day 16 - I am thankful for a nice warm bed.
So most people do not know that Gary and I sleep outside.
We sleep in a small pop-up camper with no power or heat.
This is a temporary thing until we can get moved into our house
and by temporary I mean it's been over a year now.
The inlaws went on a mini vacay to the beach for the weekend...
SO... we get to sleep in the nice warm house in a nice warm bed.
It's amazing how much you take for granted a nice warm bed
until you no longer have one to sleep in each night.

Being There For Eachother

A fellow blogger has this Bible verse above her comment box:

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up." 

1 Thessalonians 5:11

I'm adding it to my collection of my favorites.
I spend everyday trying to help others who are grieving.

My other favorite is:

"Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted"

Matthew 5:4

Day 8 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

Today I'm thankful to be pregnant.

(21 weeks & 5 days ultrasound)

I'm thankful to still be pregnant with baby Lily.

After 5 first trimester losses every day is an accomplishment.

I'm officially 2cm dilated and will be 37 weeks tomorrow.

I'm also thankful each time we hear her strong healthy heartbeat

and each time I feel her kick, hit, and elbow me.

I can't believe my journey with my pregnancy is almost over

and that a new journey with our little rainbow baby is about to begin.

Today I got the hospital bag half packed and by tonight it should be ready.

Day 7 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I am thankful for my 3 beautiful step-children.



Michael (the boy far left), Mikayla (the girl left middle), & Cheyenne (the girl right middle)

Michael, 14, has a contagious smile that brightens even the darkest room.
He is so intelligent, so creative, and never knows a stranger.
He speaks with better grammar and annunciation than most adults I know.

Mikayla, 8, has big bright eyes and is always giggling.
She goes through life, flitting around like a faerie, smiling and happy.

She is so loving, so affectionate, and she gives the best massages.

Cheyenne, 13, is the little Mama.

She is helpful in taking care of all of the other children.

She is polite, quiet, and loves to hide in the bathroom reading.

When we move Michael and Cheyenne with continue living with my in laws.

It's an arrangement that was made before I ever came into the family.

I'm going to miss them so much! I'm very blessed to be apart of their lives.

The Rosebud

‎"The world may never notice if a rosebud doesn't bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms or ever comes to be
touches the world in some small way for all eternity
the little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone
but the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on
and though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says We will remember you."
-Author Unknown

Day 6 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

Today I'm thankful that the United States Presidential Election is OVER
I don't care who wins, didn't have time to vote,
AND I am sick of everyone arguing over it.


(Personally, I think Ron Paul is the man. Or Batman. Just sayin'.)

I posted this on Facebook today as a status update on my personal page:

"I sit and watch my friends raving and ranting over the candidates.
Slamming one over the other.
Posting rants, insults, hate, and surely raising their blood pressure.
Arguing with people that are suppose to be their friends
and picking fights on friends pages.
I've even had friends try to bring me into political debates.
I just want to say set better examples for your children.
Stop spewing so much hate. Stop fighting with each other.
Independent thinking is what makes us unique and special.
As for me, I'm trying to keep a sweet baby girl baking until her due date
so fighting over which candidate is better isn't on my agenda.
Have a blessed day!"

I was shocked to see that,
not only did nobody bash me as expected,
a lot of people reposted my status update
(although they took out my line about Lily).

I guess I got my point across. :)

Day 5 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I am thankful for Gracie.


(Photo from Scarlette's 1st birthday balloon release)

Gracie is my 3rd born and she will be 3 years old next month.
She is the rainbow baby to my first 2 miscarriage losses.
I had prayed and prayed for a baby girl.
I almost lost my life during my pregnancy with Gracie
and she almost lost her life too.
BUT we both made it through!
She is my mini me and I love her so much!
I thank God everyday that he let me keep her!

Day 4 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I'm thankful for Jacob.

(Jacob in his Halloween costume 2012)
Jacob is my 2nd born and he is 5 years old.
He is probably the one good thing that came out of my very bad marriage.
He may not be the baby, but he is my baby boy. ♥

The Bereaved Mother

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

-Author Unknown

Panic Attack Insomniac

I can't sleep

For in the dark I panic

Fear consuming my soul

And I can't stand it

I sit up and scream

A silent sound nobody hears

Trembling in vain

To the same dream I've had for years

Too much loss

In too short of a life

It stabs at me

Like a dull edged knife

I have thoughts and dreams

About things nobody knows

Like where do we really go

When it's the end of our show

My heart races

At a pace much too fast

I sit here wondering

How much longer can this last

Memories fill my head

So many things I'd like to change

If I could just go back in time

Choosing with things to rearrange

Being grateful for what I have

Never replaces what I've lost

Your death was inescapable

I'm still dealing with its cost

Grief knows no boundaries

In the silence I will weep

As the darkness surrounds me

And everyone else is fast asleep

Copyright Kerin Lee 2012, All Rights Reserved

Please do not use without my written permission.


(Vigil from October 15th)

Day 3 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I'm thankful for Caleb.


(Caleb - Left & Jacob - Right)

Caleb is my first born and is 7 years old.
He saved me from a suicidal past of dark days where I let my depression consume me.
Once I knew he was to be it he lit up my world and helped me overcome my demons.
If it were not for Caleb I might not be here today. ♥

Day 2 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I'm thankful for my other half Gary and that God placed him into our lives.

We've been through so much in such a short period of time,

more than most couple endure 10 years,

but since we've already been through some of the worst,

it can only get better ♥ 

Day 1 of 30 Days of Being Thankful

I am simply thankful just to be alive.


(Me in Las Vegas, 2011)

I thank God for each and everyday that He allows me to live on this Earth.
That He allows me to be with the ones I love.
I have many people I love and miss in Heaven,
but know that once my time is up we will have an eternity together.

200 Orders Down

I've been busy. Too busy.

Over 200 orders shipped out today for I Am A Mother To An Angel.
I'm trying to get everything done by November 15th,
hoping that will give me enough time to finish our my pregnancy peacefully.

Surviving Grief

(Credit: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/)

Gracie's 1st Starbucks

Today Gracie has her 1st trip to Starbucks.
Before you panic... she only got a cookie.
I think her cookie was almost as big as she is.



After talking to a friend who mentioned Starbucks...
I just had to have it.
So at around 10pm we journeyed out to find one.



I got a Grande Caramel Frapp,
half coffee, half cream base,
with extra caramel sauce, AND whipped cream.

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Every year I work hard through my organization I Am A Mother To An Angel
to spread a lot of awareness on all forms of loss whether it be pregnancy, infant, or child loss.
I also try to do special things for other grieving mothers to remember their angels.

This year the day has a double meaning, because on this day last year things changed.
Today is also the 1 year Anniversary of my niece Scarlette's death, her 1st Angelversary.

 Last year as I prepared for October 15th for months in advance I could have never dreamed that I'd be losing my precious niece on that day. She was born on September 16th just 2 days before my 23rd birthday and she came on September 18th on my birthday. Her death was rules as SIDS with no known cause. She died at just 1 day shy of 1 month old. I loved her and cared for her as much as my own children... so when she died a big part of me died too.

This October I've given away over 500 keepsake items at I Am A Mother To An Angel as a way to do something in honor of her and also of the day of awareness. I was also able to get SIDS Awareness wristbands made that say "In memory of Scarlette" on the inside.



 Some days things seem so surreal. 

15,000 "Likes", A Milestone

I Am A Mother To An Angel reached 15,000 "likes"

I had a goal of reaching 15,000 fans by October 15th.

October 15th will be Scarlette's 1st Angelversary

and of course it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I'm happy to announce that we hit 15,000 "likes" before midnight today.

Next stop 20,000, maybe by Christmas? :)

Lil Lynch

So it's been over 5 months now since we lost our last little angel.
After 5 months I finally have something to hold onto.



Isn't it beautiful?
Lil Lynch, 02.08.2012
Never forgotten in Mommy's Heart

We Saw A Rainbow

Today we got to see our little rainbow baby for the first time.



What is a rainbow baby?

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby."
-The Urban Dictionary


We found out we are exactly 9 weeks and 4 days along.
The tech said we much has conceived within only a couple weeks after losing Lil Lynch.
We heard a good strong healthy heartbeart; the best sound in the entire world.