Wednesday, July 24, 2013


It's 9am and I'm exhausted. I had nightmares all night and kept waking up. My kidneys have been giving me problems for several months now and sometimes I wonder if maybe this is it. Maybe I just won't get any better this time. Maybe I'll stay like this, then get worse, and then go home to be with those I've lost. About a month ago Gary had to make a new hole in my belt because I'd dropped so much weight that it wouldn't fit on the smallest hole. Then about 2-3 weeks ago he had to make another smaller hole. Then again about 1-2 weeks ago he had to make me yet another smaller hole. Now my belt is about 4 inches too big and there isn't enough room on it to make a smaller hole (it's studded so the studs are in the way). I'm at that point where I've lost so much weight so quickly that the red flag is waving. I try to eat but I take just a few bites and I cannot eat anymore. I feel so sick. If I try to push myself to eat more I feel extremely sick. When my kidneys act up it makes me nauseated. They gave me nausea meds but it's hard to even get that down. People ask me what is wrong with my kidneys and I don't know what to say. I've never been able to go to a urologist. I've been referred so many times but then something always happens and something else gets put before my need to go. My old OBGYN told me that my urethra is too short and that bacteria doesn't have as far to travel to get into places it shouldn't. He had me on a daily antibiotic as a preventative and it worked pretty good. Then he retired and I moved away. I haven't been able to get another OBGYN to put me back on it. They just say that I need to go to a urologist instead. I had another doctor tell me (a random at the ER) that it's likely that there is a deformity in one or both kidneys and that is the cause of my chronic issues. He said my history points towards that. I've had these issues longer than I can remember. I'm in pain all the time lately. I try not to complain and try to just deal with it, but I'm in so much pain. I'm so afraid to die. I think about it nonstop and it's the reason I cannot sleep at night. Then I think how stupid for a grown women to be so afraid of something unavoidable. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody who cares about what I am going through. I never get to go to the doctor. Everyone else goes except for me as if my health doesn't matter. I'm always the one giving the support. Nobody takes the time to think that maybe I could use a little support too. I ask for prayers and get slapped around... so I stopped asking. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time. I feel like I'm surrounded by thousands of people but they do not see I'm there until they need something. Time to get back to working on orders. I'm hoping to ship tomorrow if not Friday.

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