The Problem With Friends

I was sitting with friends yesterday and mentioned someone who is local to me that lost her baby. My friends started talking about how people shouldn't milk it out, try to make other people feel bad, and post photos of their "dead babies". All while knowing that I'm a loss mom. It just goes to show that we still have so much work to do to enlighten people. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through a loss to understand our pain, but I definitely want to see bigger improvements in acceptance. In the several years that I've been working in the bereavement field I have seen great improvements in awareness, acceptation, and inclusion, but we still have a long way to go. 

I Heard Angels Singing

Soooo, the ER went quick and easy will Lily. Much to my extreme disappointment she has lost weight. I seriously cried because I have been working so hard to fatten her up and make sure that she is a nice healthy weight since she is borderline for being in the risk zone weight wise. She had to have xrays of her abdomen to make sure there wasn't an underlying problem that we couldn't see.

Needless to say she didn't really love being held down. Thankfully it showed no internal problems! The doctors concluded that they think Lily is just constipated even though a rectal exam didn't show that she had any blockage and that the stool was nice and soft instead of firm (like it should be). They ended up discharging her and telling us just to get some over the counter suppositories (poor baby), but so far she is still screaming constantly like she is in pain. I had someone tell me condescendingly that babies cry. Lily is my 4th child and our 7th child overall. We know that babies cry! The issue is when a normally happy baby who hardly ever cries changes overnight. I also know the different from a pain cry and any other cry. A pain cry is so much different from other baby cries. Anyway, we are praying that she gets back to normal soon. We will be following up with her pediatrician if she does not improve to see what further steps we can take. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they didn't find anything life threatening or anything majorly wrong, but when your baby spends the entire night screaming in pain and the following morning doing the same, refusing to eat, and no matter what you do you simply cannot console her... it's a scary place. Especially after going through loss.

Since the hospital was speedy in getting Lily back and then discharging her, we were able to still make it to church after all. As a bonus my niece Grace was there and I got in some extra cuddles, kisses, and hugs before she was taken away to the nursery. The choir did an AMAZING job and I cried during Chey's solo (not that that is surprising) so I am glad it worked out for us to go!



I found my peace listening to these Earth angels singing!
bottow row far left is oldest step-daughter Cheyenne, bottom row far right is my MIL Sue, and top row far right is my step-son Michael. So so proud of them! They did amazing!

Lil Lynch

Ladybugs. After we had our rainbow baby Lily we kept finding ladybugs in our post delivery room. I know it was my little angels letting me know they were there with me and coming to greet their new little sister. You have to think... we are on like the 10th floor (or something like that) with no opening windows or outside doors. How could several ladybugs made there way into our room? There is no over abundance of ladybugs where we live. In fact, it's rare that I see them at all. 

Anxiety

So my anxiety has been super bad today. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off! I didn't sleep well and kept getting up to check on the kids. Sometimes I wish I could just have a single nights sleep like a normal person without my mind trailing off to a million and one dark places.

On a lighter note, I'm pretty much loving this new warmer! Forget-Me-Nots always make me think of my precious angels! So I cannot wait to add this to my collection of things for them!

kerinlee.scentsy.us

The Rosebud

‎"The world may never notice if a rosebud doesn't bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms or ever comes to be
touches the world in some small way for all eternity
the little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone
but the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on
and though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says We will remember you."
-Author Unknown

The Bereaved Mother

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

-Author Unknown