The Problem With Friends

I was sitting with friends yesterday and mentioned someone who is local to me that lost her baby. My friends started talking about how people shouldn't milk it out, try to make other people feel bad, and post photos of their "dead babies". All while knowing that I'm a loss mom. It just goes to show that we still have so much work to do to enlighten people. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through a loss to understand our pain, but I definitely want to see bigger improvements in acceptance. In the several years that I've been working in the bereavement field I have seen great improvements in awareness, acceptation, and inclusion, but we still have a long way to go. 

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart one more time

Pick yourself up, why even cry

Broken pieces in your hands

Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart

Would sting at first then make you stronger"

You wonder why this pain remains

Were hearts made whole just to break

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Creator only You take brokenness

And create it into beauty once again

You know, you pray

This can't be the way

You cry, you say

Something's gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

-BarlowGirl

Missing You

It's hard to believe it is almost July. My life is typically this big blur because I always have so much on my plate and I'm always so busy that I hardly take time to remember to breathe.

September is creeping closer. That means Scarlette's birthday is creeping closer too and that life is holding true to it's promise of never letting me forget what I had and what I lost... so quickly. September 16th, she would be 2 years old. It's so hard to picture. She'd be walking, talking, and potty training. She'd be able to say my name. Smiling, laughing, and being mischievous. I never got to see her smile or hear the sound of her voice other than when she cried. She never even learned to let out a baby coo or babble before she was stolen away so suddenly.  September 18th brings my birthday and the anniversary of the day she came home from the hospital. My birthdays will never be the same. Ever. I'll never forget sitting in my father in law's office chair hardly able to sit still waiting for them to bring her into me. I was the first to hold her when she came home. I didn't think I'd ever let go... if I knew I'd be saying goodbye forever I'm not sure I would have. I loved her so much and still do.

October 15th also creeps closer. I'll never forget that day either. I'll never forget hearing my mother in law screaming hysterically begging to Jesus to let her live. I'll never forget being stuck at home with all of the children waiting instead of being there at the hospital where I belonged. I'll never forget the phone ring, or how Gary and my brother in law rushed outside so I couldn't hear. I'll never forget the way they walked backed in slowly and silently. I looked at Gary and knew the truth but looked to J who simply uttered, "She's gone." I won't remember anything after that though because from that point on it's a blur. I know I heard pain filled screaming and that it took me a minute to realize it was coming from me. I know that J tried to console me and that I fought him off screaming. I know that the men ran around quickly hiding all of her things which only added to the trauma. I remember my in-laws coming home and the pain on my mother in law's face as we both sobbed. I remember feeling cheated and jaded. I don't remember eating, sleeping, or taking care of my children. I'm honestly not sure I even did. I remember her funeral. I remember watching my oldest step-daughter breaking down, then my oldest son, and then my step-son. I remember calling my step-son Michael over to me because I could see the panic sinking in and the fear of the reality we were being faced with. I remember that when it ended I didn't want to go. I felt like I was wronging her. How could I leave a baby in the cold? My beautiful blue eyed girl? It was raining. It was cold. You cannot leave a baby in the rain or in the cold. I also remember, all too well, that the two men from the funeral home were standing next to her tiny white casket throwing their heads back laughing and joking. How could they stand there and do that? They obviously didn't care about the loss of this baby, the loss of this child who I loved so much.  I still cannot find the words to describe how ironic it to me that she died on October 15th. I plan for October 15th all year long because I host a big awareness event each year for bereaved families. God chose October 15th of all days to take Scarlette? Why? Is that some kind of a joke? I don't understand and I never will.

I love you Scarlette Marie Lynch and I miss you so much!

The Rosebud

‎"The world may never notice if a rosebud doesn't bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms or ever comes to be
touches the world in some small way for all eternity
the little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone
but the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on
and though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says We will remember you."
-Author Unknown

The Bereaved Mother

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

-Author Unknown

Panic Attack Insomniac

I can't sleep

For in the dark I panic

Fear consuming my soul

And I can't stand it

I sit up and scream

A silent sound nobody hears

Trembling in vain

To the same dream I've had for years

Too much loss

In too short of a life

It stabs at me

Like a dull edged knife

I have thoughts and dreams

About things nobody knows

Like where do we really go

When it's the end of our show

My heart races

At a pace much too fast

I sit here wondering

How much longer can this last

Memories fill my head

So many things I'd like to change

If I could just go back in time

Choosing with things to rearrange

Being grateful for what I have

Never replaces what I've lost

Your death was inescapable

I'm still dealing with its cost

Grief knows no boundaries

In the silence I will weep

As the darkness surrounds me

And everyone else is fast asleep

Copyright Kerin Lee 2012, All Rights Reserved

Please do not use without my written permission.


(Vigil from October 15th)

Surviving Grief

(Credit: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/)

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Every year I work hard through my organization I Am A Mother To An Angel
to spread a lot of awareness on all forms of loss whether it be pregnancy, infant, or child loss.
I also try to do special things for other grieving mothers to remember their angels.

This year the day has a double meaning, because on this day last year things changed.
Today is also the 1 year Anniversary of my niece Scarlette's death, her 1st Angelversary.

 Last year as I prepared for October 15th for months in advance I could have never dreamed that I'd be losing my precious niece on that day. She was born on September 16th just 2 days before my 23rd birthday and she came on September 18th on my birthday. Her death was rules as SIDS with no known cause. She died at just 1 day shy of 1 month old. I loved her and cared for her as much as my own children... so when she died a big part of me died too.

This October I've given away over 500 keepsake items at I Am A Mother To An Angel as a way to do something in honor of her and also of the day of awareness. I was also able to get SIDS Awareness wristbands made that say "In memory of Scarlette" on the inside.



 Some days things seem so surreal. 

Lil Lynch

So it's been over 5 months now since we lost our last little angel.
After 5 months I finally have something to hold onto.



Isn't it beautiful?
Lil Lynch, 02.08.2012
Never forgotten in Mommy's Heart